Masturbation: Male
Choking the Chicken, Spanking the Monkey, Pocket Pool Ð Say it with me... Maaastuurrbaaationnn!

For this section we went straight to the expert spokesman for masturbation, the "Hamburger Helper Guy." Look, masturbation is an essential life requirement like oxygen, food, water, shelter, etc. In fact, if you're not having sex, masturbation is a good way to keep your bits and pieces in top physical shape. If you ever have premature ejaculation problems, masturbation can help you build a tolerance to pleasure and thus last longer during sex. You can even exercise your brain and improve the coordination of your less dominant side, by switching the routine role of your hands to promote dentritic growth of your right cerebral neurons! Masturbation will not make you go blind, grow hair on your palms, make you sterile or insane, give you acne or take your virginity. Nor will it give you any other bizarre side effects. It's a natural behavior that every man in the entire world exhibits, regardless of what they say. When you go through puberty, your hormones are raging. You have a sex-drive, a libido, to be frank you're horny. Without masturbating this drive has no release other than your wet dreams. Masturbation is also the safest form of sexual activity known to man. You should never feel guilty or upset because you masturbated. Taking a big dump makes you feel 10 pounds lighter but you don't feel guilty after that, do you? Masturbation feels good too. It's a natural fact of life for all men. In fact, masturbation keeps men faithful to their wives. When you can't make love to your girlfriend or wife, you need some way to keep your libido balanced, thus you masturbate. The only time you might want to cut down on masturbation is if you need an extra bit of libido to motivate yourself to meet women. As a teen, you probably have more than enough libido to go around, so by all means, feel free to masturbate!

Now that we agree masturbation is ok. Let's examine how to do it without giving yourself rugburn or using an apple pie (as demonstrated in the movie "American Pie") First, you need some lubricant, to avoid any chaffing. The best lubricant is lubricant made for sex, found in your local pharmacy or grocery store. Butter also works, but don't put it back in the fridge when you're done. Cooking oils, although they supply unsaturated fats for your digestion, supply nothing but smooth sailing for your masturbation. Soaps sometimes can cause stinging if it gets in your urethra, which it most likely will. Soaps can also dry your skin out, causing itching. At a minimum, we suggest warm water. Most men can think themselves into an erection if they focus. However, nude magazines, lingerie catalogues, swimsuit issues and anything else that gets you turned on can get you there a lot faster. The shower is typically the cleanest most private spot in which to masturbate. There's no mess to clean afterwards. Your parents are a lot less likely to barge in on you. You can easily fool yourself into thinking your mom can't hear "You want to bang the weather man don't you. I'll be your weatherman you naughty bitch!" or whatever other sound affects that come to mind. The sound of skin slapping against skin is successfully drowned out by the sound of the water. Hot flowing water can also help the illusion of a woman's supple skin pressed against your hips, or a gay guy Ð it's up to you. The traditional "Jackoff" hand motion with two fingers and a thumb forming a circle around your penis stroked up and down your head and shaft is the most common technique. Remember to always keep yourself well lubricated. Your hand-eye coordination will dramatically improve with practice turning your dominant hand into a diesel piston that can oscillate at lightning speed. Try massaging the proximal half of the head along with the shaft directly adjacent to the head with a kneading motion between three fingers and your thumb. Stroking the backside of your scrotum with your less dominant hand will probably help as well. Have fun. When you're just about to come, try completely relaxing and holding that state for a moment, than shoot for the ceiling tiles! The first time you ejaculate it will be an overwhelming sensation, but then again I'm sure you already experienced it.